Friday, July 27, 2012

Nostrildamus has been calling the camera shots

The cameras catch everything.


And they are everywhere.


Especially at major league baseball games.


In fact, some sports production companies have as many as 16 high definition glass eyes looking at the game.


If the game were all we saw on our television screens, I wouldn't complain.


Unfortunately, America's favorite pastime moves rather slowly.


Lots of time between pitches when Mr. Deliberation is on the mound, contemplating his next delivery.


Fastball? Curve? Slider? Changeup?


The cameraman must therefore search for close-ups on player activity to pass the time between pitches.


What's a video technician to do?


Well, it seems that it is our fate to be treated to one  voyeuristic moment after another.


Unsuspecting Warriors of the diamond must be embarrassed  by some of the highly pixelated shots beamed into the privacy of our homes.


Shots of disgusting things.


The other night, TV tray at the couch, we enjoyed a late dinner, Tribe on.


We were assaulted during our linguine by  images of the pitcher spitting constantly.


High definition up-close shots of one loogie after another.


Dinner over.


Look, it's baseball. Spitting is part of the game.


But do we really need the Hocker-cam?


I'm surprised they don't use slow-motion instant replay of these expectorations.


Well, lookie there, Jim. Tomlin shot that one 15 feet!


That's right, Tom, but that doesn't equal the one he had last year in the Toronto series.  Of course he had the wind in his favor that night.




That's not all.


They are not always biting their nails.


But if they do, camera number five will find them and you will see it in detail.


Bite. Spit. Examine.


Bite. Spit. Examine.


Then there are the sunflower seeds. I'm sure it's a healthy  alternative to tobacco.


Less disgusting than mucous but by no means appealing.


The popular practice is to load up with "David" brand seeds and then spit them out in sort of a spray.


A blur of seed husks exploding out of the mouth, slowed only by saliva.


Captured by the centerfield camera  for your viewing pleasure.


Which brings us to the scratch and adjust.


This well-documented move is something every man relates to.


But it is not appropriate  for it to be broadcast like its some kind of olympic event.


Usually it's a baserunner who decides to do some anatomical placement re-engineering.


Who is the Einstein in the control booth who thinks showing this is a good idea?


Now the granddaddy of them all.


The nose picking close-up.


Detroit's power hitter Miguel Cabrera obviously didn't know he was the star of his own personal hygiene training video the other night.


Pick, pick, pick.


Roll it.


Look at it.


Don't eat it.


Relief mercifully arrives as the pitcher throws and there's a hit.


 Cabrera's magnified nasal excavation forgotten.


Except by me.




Sporting event television directors, this column is a message for you.


I want to see more shots of rolling baseballs.


And fewer of rolling boogers.


Is that too much to ask?





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