Here are a few.
I heard an ad on the radio the other day for a car dealership called "Collection Auto Group."
Collection Auto Group?
Next they'll open a franchise called Repossession Chevrolet.
Why do they call it evaporated milk?
When you open the can, it pours out in liquid form.
When did it evaporate?
What am I supposed to do when the automated voice at the self check-out register tells me to place the item in the bagging area when I already have?
When did men's razor blades become so expensive and rare?
You must extract razor blade packages from an extra high-security dispenser frequently requiring a manager to unlock the dispenser before it is activated.
No wonder beards are the rage.
I love the English language.
That's why I am irritated by its abuse.
For several years now, service providers at coffee shops and other places have called out the following phrase.
"Can I help who's next?"
The proper usage is "Can I help the person who is next?"
Please America, love your lattes but love your language more.
How do ballclubs manage to call a timeout precisely when TV shows on other channels are airing a commercial?
Why is Alex Trebek so annoying?
He pronounces every French phrase with a snooty condescending flair.
He wants to remind us that we are unsophisticated hicks also known by another name.
I want to slap him.
Why do you have to pay hundreds of dollars for a wooden casket for a cremation?
We all know that Uncle Louie is going up in smoke.
While he is in the box.
Why do I feel guilty about not putting money in the basket at church when we've signed up for our parish's auto payment which deducts the weekly contribution from my checking account?
My wife says I don't want the usher or other observers to think I'm stiffing the good padre.
I think she's right.
Have you been to a restaurant chain called "Steak and Shake" ?
You can get a shake but steak is not on the menu.
A steakburger is not a steak.
It's a hamburger.
Change the name.
Regarding a product called "I can't believe it's not butter".
I've tasted it.
It does not taste like butter.
Do you know how they harvest cranberries?
They float to the top in giant ponds called bogs.
Men in chest-high rubber boots tramp around the bogs scooping up the delectable berries and corralling them into collection machines.
Those rubber boots remind me of fishing trips a neighbor used to take in Canada.
He and those stinkin' boots would return from up North reeking of fish.
They sat in the garage all year long until it was time to return to moose country for another round of swilling beer and trying to catch bass.
In my mind, cranberries equal rubber boots.
Makes you think twice about that cranberry sauce doesn't it?