Poop reveals character.
Yes, you read that right.
Poop reveals character.
Dog poop, that is.
You see, the pooper scooper laws are out there.
A legal requirement that you gather Fido's feces when you and your beloved beast tramp the neighborhood.
Problem is, how do you enforce this law?
It's not exactly a 911 emergency.
It also is unlikely that the local detective bureau is going to launch an investigation into alleged violations.
It's essentially an honor system.
That's why it reveals character.
You can probably ignore the aromatic load deposited during the collie's constitutional.
And you'd probably get away with it.
Truly an honor system.
Look, I know it's not easy.
I use those cheap plastic bags Giant Eagle pushes on us as substitutes for the old-fashioned paper bags.
Those old bags were so strong and durable that we used to use them as covers for school books.
Remember that?
Anyhow, I know it takes character because those cheap bags do have the occasional hidden hole.
Not fun discovering your blue plastic bag converted into an oven mitt for meadow muffins has broken its promise.
Broken its promise to keep canine ka-ka off your skin.
Oh well, like I said, it takes character.
I know a young man who specializes in the rarest of skills: the simulated scoop.
He walks the dog, blue bag in hand, clear for the world to see.
When terrier turds materialize, he bends over and scoops up … air!
Observers think he is cleaning up.
What a good citizen.
What a terrific actor!
Next, I present an example of true nobility.
About 20 houses away, there is a home with a small trash can ever-present on the edge of the driveway, right by the sidewalk.
A sign attached invites dog walkers to deposit accumulated bags o' poop in the can.
I thank the Lord for people like that.
I bet Mother Teresa never provided such a service to humanity.
So you see, poop does reveal character.
What kind of character do you have?
If you're not sure, take the organic burglar alarm out for walk.
Soon you'll know just what kind of person you are.
Remember, God sees everything.
He knows the real scoop on poop.
Double bag it next time.
You and your fingernails will be glad you did.
And you will be a person of high moral character.
Don't be like the simulated scooper.
If you do as he does, you will one day face Saint Peter.
He will look at you sternly, holding his clipboard of eternity.
After an intense moment reviewing your life's actions, he will solemnly utter these five dreaded words.
YOU ARE IN DEEP DOO-DOO.
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