Thursday, March 28, 2013

Government tells incompetent employee to let 'er rip

USA Today recently conducted a survey of Federal Government employee discipline policy.


It seems Uncle Sam has  a hard time giving the heave-ho to screw-ups getting a paycheck at your expense.


Private sector firings for cause occur five times more frequently than under the wings of the bald eagle.


I therefore present for your reading pleasure a true story of one agency's attempt to root-out a man who single-handedly destroyed his work environment.


The government won't release his name, so I'll just use the initials P. U.


P. U.  passes gas.


A lot of gas.


And this caused the Social Security Administration's management in  the Baltimore office to issue a reprimand to P. U.  in a letter that was extremely specific.


I have a copy of that unusual disciplinary correspondence.


Between September 7 and November 29, 2012, our flatulent friend gave freedom to 61 separate silent but deadly outbursts.


On Friday, September 19, 2012 alone, nine mammoth methane events were recorded by some poor sap who must have pulled the short straw when the boss handed out duties for the day.


"Hey, Frankie, I'm really sorry but you have to record every one of you-know-who's gaseous releases today. You know the mantra when it comes to employee misbehavior: document, document, document."


For you amateur civil rights  lawyers out there, the manager's missive points out that P. U.  has failed to identify a medical reason for the office-clearing behavior.


The reprimand concludes by citing specific ways in which the nausea-inducing incidents violate the employee handbook and provisions of a worker agreement.


More specifically, it says that P. U.  "continues to release the odor which has become intolerable to those who work in the module."


How did this controversy end?


You guessed it.


Uncle Sam backed down.


The American Federation of Government Employees, as P. U. 's union, launched a counter offensive (admittedly, a bad choice of words).


They threatened litigation unless the management action was retracted.


And they prevailed.




An entire office staff gassed out, destroying office morale, and you the taxpayer can't expect a solution.


Why should the people who represent us feel the burden of carrying these incompetent employees that flaunt their misbehavior    right before our eyes and, in this case, our noses?


Common sense tells you that a disgusting atmosphere is intolerable for co-workers and for members of the public who enter the office in Baltimore.


When it comes to what P.U. is doing, the onus is on his anus.


By the way, turn your head away when you open your envelope from Social Security this month.


It might be from the Maryland office.


P. U.  has proven the impotence of our national government  in the face of outrageous behavior.


 He laughs at us because he's made us pull his reprimand.


And now, as we approach the counter at the Social Security office in Baltimore, he smiles as he asks us to pull something else.


His finger.


  1. I read your article in the News-Herald on 4-1-2013 regarding flatulence and I have two comments for you. The first: Mother Nature has plans for you and you aren't going to like them. As you get older, your body will change and the need to expell gas will become much more prevalent. The second: When I turned to the next page in the News-Herald, there was a full page advertisement for a hearing aid. Across the top in bold letters was "Heard & Not Seen". How ironic.

  2. I was awe struck that the News-Herald published this article. Mr. Lynch showed incredible stupidity in regard to the article re: P.U. Anyone off the street could recognize that P.U. was poorly treated by his supervisor. He broke several laws! Involving another employee to count farts, labeling P.U. as incopetent at his job because he farted, and finally P.U. had protection uner the American Disability Act. I would suggest Mr.Lynch visit UH or the Cleveland Clinic where he would see the suffering of grown men with stomachs the size of a pregnant woman, or men, women, and children crying in fear and pain. Waiting rooms filled with people from every walk of life.Waiting rooms where I have sat. Waiting rooms where I could bleed if I held a fart. You, Mr. Lynch are the incompetent. Next time pick an easy topic such as why are duck terds so wet?